How 90’s Movies Solved The “Black Superhero Problem”…And Promptly Forgot

As the above picture might indicate there is a very real trend in recent superhero movies. Black superheroes are support, while classic white superheroes are the main protagonists. Just as their source material intended.

Sidekicks? Sure, let Anthony Mackie don wings and goofy-ass goggles. Advisors? Certainly. Tony Stark always needs wise friends to ignore. But heroes, as in the center-stage variety, are nary to be seen (until we finally get that Black Panther movie that’s long overdue.)

Cracked readers noticed this unbalance too. has articles from 2016 about black second-fiddle heroes. Readers on the IGN boards were pointing this out back in 2012. And any moment now Reddit will have threads popping up, retroactively claiming that they had arrived at this very unfairness independently, long before the first electrons were being passed around on the internet.

Google Images / Clipart


But what if I told you there was a glorious place where black, center-stage superheroes walked the land like golden gods? What if I told you we’d already solved this multi-racial-cape disparity? What if I told you there was a place where well-spoken white people became their sidekicks instead? That place was 1990’s cinema. Continue reading


5 Things Gladiator Got Wrong About Emperor Commodus (Revisited)

Editor’s Note: This article was posted a year ago, before the release Netflix’s new docu-drama Roman Empire: Reign of Blood. Because we take every opportunity to talk about bloody, batshit tyrants, we’ve dug it out of the archives for your enjoyment. (Read; our enjoyment.)

Continue reading

Sci-Fi: Please Stop Substituting Aliens With Monsters


From campy b-movie space romps to the Sci-Fi big-budget epics, authors, screenwriters, and movie makers keep committing the same old sin. Instead of inventing new and exciting creatures for their alien race they’ll still disappointingly cop-out and sub-in cheesy monsters. And not just any monster–it’s usually a monster from old Hollywood cinema.


Two reasons. Budget and ease of narrative. Continue reading

Chris Tucker – Secretly A Badass Action Hero

Some weeks ago I stumbled upon a little brain game that has given me no end of amusement. Picture a ridiculous, goofy, manic action sidekick from a popular movie franchise. Preferably someone so over-the-top that if they threatened you with a hot BBQ poker you’d laugh right in their big fat facebeak. For me, I picked Chris Tucker of Rush Hour and Fifth Element fame. Because, well, Chris Tucker.

Got your wacky comedy sidekick in mind? Can you hear them screeching shrilly into your ear? Good, now imagine their movie lines being recited instead by some stone-cold gravel-voiced menace. Take those comedy warbles and swap them with the slow, steady vocal grind of Mickey Rourke or Sam Elliott. Suddenly, those high-pitch throwaway one-liner jokes sound pretty badass…

Captain: Two officers were shot, one man lost a pinkie.

Carter (Chris Tucker): But didn’t nobody die.

Captain :You destroyed half a city block!

Carter (Chris Tucker): That block was already messed up…


Captain: Every now and then we have to let the general public know that we can still blow shit up.

Carter (Chris Tucker): You’re God damn right.

See what I mean? Change the cadence. Make the dialogue play slower in your head. Give the lines to Bruce Willis, and suddenly Chris Tucker’s character sounds like an explosion-hungry wanton badass. Here are some more from IMDB, sans rebuttal from Jackie Chan’s character.

Carter (Chris Tucker): You don’t know nothing about no War.

Carter (Chris Tucker): This ain’t no democracy. This is the United States of James Carter. I’m the president, I’m the emperor, I’m the king. I’m Michael Jackson, you Tito. Your ass belongs to me.

Carter (Chris Tucker): Do you understand the words coming out of my mouth?

Carter (Chris Tucker): I don’t want no partner, I don’t need no partner, and I ain’t never gonna have no partner. Did Kojak have a partner?

And my personal favorite for this thought exercise:

Carter (Chris Tucker): [after killing Sang] Wipe yourself off, man. You dead. 

3 Word Plot Synopsys


Google Images

Wait, has he become what he always hated? Is he…Mr Glass?

A few of us were having lunch at St Vincent’s hospital the other day. Not because we were sick or visiting our Gram-Grams, but because the hospital’s salad bar is amazing.

While we were cackling and enjoying our chef salads, which resembled pyramids of bacon and cheese with lettuce sprigs entombed below, one of the contributors to tried to describe a movie while laughing, chewing, and choking at the same time. He ended up fumbling after three words, and promptly died. Or just coughed a lot. Things get blurry when you drink at hospitals.

Ugh…dinosaurs…uh *cough* hmm…prison break…

To which we answered “Jurassic Park?

And a new and glorious game was born.

There is no score. There are no points. And unlike Drew Carry, this game is actually fun. It’s the pop-culture nerd equivalent of “I spy with my little eye.” Except this goes a bit more like “I’m about to vomit three words at random to describe a movie without using the title, character, or actor names, and you assholes have to guess it.”

It’s sometimes more challenging for the person giving the three-word clue than it is for the people guessing. Here are a few examples we came up with:

Shrimp’n boat captain.

Motorcycle skyscraper jump.

Panda hooker murderer.

Vent-crawling cop.

Bloody volley ball.

Space Vietnam-war.

And the answers, for those of you who like to feel superior about your pop-culture savvy are (in order) as follows:

Forrest Gump

True Lies

Tropic Thunder

Die Hard



I’m not saying it’s the best road-trip game ever invented. Maybe not even the fifth best. But the Lord can strike me down if it’s not in the top ten, and it’s wayyy better than that pretentious 6-word-story nonsense Hemmingway pulled out of his ass. Which, consequently, is why those baby shoes were never worn. Something about the legality of reselling soiled shoes. But hey, if you’re into shoes… I mean, who isn’t right? Right?

Sorry, I lost track of time for a moment. Anyway, Hemmingway would have been aces at this game, is what I’m saying.

Featured image from Google Images

Game concept originally posted at Masksofmonsters