The Fast And The Furious Franchise Is About A Car God’s Ascension

For years I’ve been using a mashup image of car spoilers to indicate when an article itself contains plot spoilers.┬áHaha. Very humorous. Wordplay is fun. But for this post I mean it. Really.

This post contains plot spoilers!

Both types of spoilers will be present in this article. So if you don’t like having an entire franchise spoiled for you, or if the notion of Road-Bros getting totally sick traction on the concrete upsets you, turn back now.

Or just, you know, leave anyway so you can live a meaningful life without dumb fan theories wasting your time…

No? Okay. Let’s do this thing!

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Why I Stopped Writing For A Year (And A Prank About CPR Dummies)

Over the last few months I’ve been getting updates from wordpress showing an uptick in traffic on this blog. More followers. More hits. More links. More likes. Which is seriously weird since I’ve been gone for almost a year–during which this blog should have tanked harder than the Third Reich. Strange, no?

By the way I’m going to be pretty explicit in this post, so if four-letter words offend your sensibilities go back to reading Family Circus.

Oh, I’ve also been pranking my co-workers by using our networked terminals to look up copious amounts of CPR dummies on Amazon so they get targeted ads for open-mouthed monstrosities. But I’ll get to that later.

Anyway, I took a year away from writing online. The reason was twofold… Continue reading

Did SNL Steal “Pharmaceutical-Sounding Black Names” Skit?

Most weekends I indulge in a bit late night television…recaps on Youtube. Among them, if they’ve updated their channel, is Saturday Night Live. I’m usually the first to defend sketch comedy writers when accusations about joke theft come up. Mostly because a comedy writer’s room is like the “Thousand Monkeys Typing” of humor. Eventually, through enough random jabbing at typewriter keys, every joke known to man will eventually get repeated.

But goddamn this instance of “parallel thinking” or “cryptomnesia” looks suspicious as hell. This week’s sketch is about a shady Pharmaceutical company who can’t resist pilfering their product names from a black employee and her children.

…and this is a sketch from a Loveline episode that’s now more than ten years old:

Notice any similarities? I find it ironic that a sketch about appropriating black names for the PR of a soulless corporation, could be appropriated by a large media corporation. Unless, as I mentioned, this is all a big case of “cryptomnesia”.

Dear Early Humans (A Letter To 40,000 B.C.)

cavecompilation_01Dear Early Humans,

Welcome to Earth, consciousness, and the wonders of technology. Getting here took some pretty incredible leaps in cognitive development and awareness, and I sincerely applaud you for that. Fire and cooking are, I think we can all agree, freaking incredible. On behalf of space-faring man of the future, I thank you.

I would like to say, however, that humanity could be better off. There are some…issues, we need to address. Issues that, if you were amicable to the following proposed changes, would put us all in a better position. Past and present company included. Continue reading

Skyrim Special Edition – Play Like A Cowardly Viking

skyrimlandscape

Last week PC gamers who already owned Skyrim and its DLC’s were given a free copy of Skyrim SE. Why? Because PC gamers are the Millennials of gaming; we don’t fight our own battles about who has the “best console” but we do expect to be rewarded when the conflict results in content.

Editor’s Note: None of that last statement is true. Like, any of it.

Anyway, a free game is a free game, even if Continue reading