Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (Is Secretly A Children’s Novel)

For Sale: Pure Sleaze– Never Opened

Quick, who’s the most important character in the Rocky movie franchise?

Did you answer Rocky? Did ya? Cause if so, you’re dead wrong. And to commemorate your incredible wrongness, I suggest purchasing this limited edition Rocky II Tony Gazzo Loanshark action figure!

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Looking for a heroic, chisel-jawed, bare-chested superhero from the cover of some steamy romance novel? Move along, sailor, this action figure isn’t for you. Tony Gazzo is one-sixth scale with ten times the grime. Tony’s a man who’s met the scum of society and has embraced the rejects as his own…at a price. One look at this smirking loanshark will make Barbie reconsider her prenup with Ken, as she pawns her jewelry with mascara-stained cheeks and shaking hands. G.I. Joe will weep like a baby as his kneecaps are turned into cracked ashtrays, all because he “forgot” to pay his gambling debts.

And how does Tony feel about his job, crushing the spirits (and thumbs) of those who beg him for leniency, hat-in-hand? He fucking loves it. Just look at that smirk.

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Tony knows his business is to prey on the weak-willed, the petty, and the poor. And brother, business is good.

Tony Gazzo action figure comes with sewn-on purple waistcoat, rose tinted glasses, grimy fur coat, and a perpetual rictus grin that lets you know just what he did to your wife.

Can’t get enough of the obscure side character with more hair-oil and sleaze than a 70’s law firm? Are you aching to teach your children the dangers of high-risk back ally loans? Then make Tony Gazzo a part of your collection today!