Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (Is Secretly A Children’s Novel)


Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom Is Secretly A Children’s Book

I want to try something with you. A sort of meditation, if you’re willing to indulge me. I want you to breath deep. Loosen your shoulders. Calm your mind. Exhale. And pretend, for just a moment, that you’ve never heard of Jurassic Park.

Have you done it? Is your head clear? Has the franchise as a whole been erased from your brain? Ok, good.

We’re calm, cool, and collected, and we’re pretending Jurassic Park/World doesn’t exist in our reality. Now, I’m going to try to sell you an action film, and you have to pretend it’s for adults and their families. NOT exclusively written for elementary school children.

That’s right. Be calm. Like Dr. Grant before the talking dinosaur. Not after. Continue reading

The Fast And The Furious Franchise Is About A Car God’s Ascension

For years I’ve been using a mashup image of car spoilers to indicate when an article itself contains plot spoilers.┬áHaha. Very humorous. Wordplay is fun. But for this post I mean it. Really.

This post contains plot spoilers!

Both types of spoilers will be present in this article. So if you don’t like having an entire franchise spoiled for you, or if the notion of Road-Bros getting totally sick traction on the concrete upsets you, turn back now.

Or just, you know, leave anyway so you can live a meaningful life without dumb fan theories wasting your time…

No? Okay. Let’s do this thing!

Continue reading

Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves – Robin & The Sheriff Were Both Imposters (Fan Theory)

Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves came out during a very influential time in my life. I was young enough for the neighbors to laugh at my yarn-and-sapling bow making skills, yet old enough to get in trouble for threatening to cut out their hearts with a spoon.

Less intimidating when it’s a 7-year-old.

So it’s no surprise that I was a bit too immature to grasp the deeper story behind a movie like this. As a child I was so wrapped up in the sword fighting, the bow shooting, and the Morgan Freeman-ing, that I missed the important lessons hiding just under the skin. Lessons like how to choose your allies. Why safety nets for the lower classes are important. And why constructing an Ewok village is never a solution.

No matter how long you stare, tiny dancing bears will never appear.

Re-watch this movie as an adult, however, with a fair working knowledge of class systems and medieval politics, and another story emerges. The classic “Steal from the rich and give to the poor.” goes out the window. You start to realize that Prince of Thieves is more of a “Drive a political campaign that legitimizes your status as a pretender by using the suffering poor.” kind of jam.

Don’t believe me? Here are a few reasons why the Sheriff and Robin are both imposters trying to fill a power vacuum by exploiting the peasantry. Continue reading

The Most Successful House In Game of Thrones (Is The Worst)

crasterhd3x03I have a simple question for you Game of Thrones fans; who is winning? I don’t mean on the individual level (we all know that’s Arya) but which house is coming out ahead in the overall scheme of things? The Greyjoys? The Starks? The Targaryen? The Brady’s?

“The Lannisters have more gold and they sit the Iron Throne.” You might argue. “Dany has freaking dragons, and armies of battle-hardened Unsullied and Dothraki!” One could equally posit. “But Jon Snow and Sansa finally hold the north, and between them they have the requisite bloodline to rule.” Diehard Stark fans might debate.

How about this one; House Craster has produced an army of immortal, near-unkillable ice princes, who Continue reading

Retired Obi-Wan Was A Killing Machine (A Fan Theory)

If we assume the prequels are canon (even Jar Jar) then Obi-Wan’s mental journey makes a sharp left turn into psychopathsville when we dwell on what he was up to alone in his hut for 20 years.

BensHut_interiorThat’s not plaster on the walls.

I mean, aside from stalking young Luke and waiting for the empire to get bored and glass Vader’s old haunt, what keeps Obi-Wan sane? Those walls above look pretty bare, and the furniture is spartan at best. So what was that old crank up to? Tetris? Sudoku? Or, waging a single-man war against the planet’s natives, eventually reducing them to a shadow population of their former glory? Does that last one sound like a bit of a stretch? Let me explain. But first, a warning.

spoilers_01SPOILERS! Continue reading