Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves – Robin & The Sheriff Were Both Imposters (Fan Theory)

Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves came out during a very influential time in my life. I was young enough for the neighbors to laugh at my yarn-and-sapling bow making skills, yet old enough to get in trouble for threatening to cut out their hearts with a spoon.

Less intimidating when it’s a 7-year-old.

So it’s no surprise that I was a bit too immature to grasp the deeper story behind a movie like this. As a child I was so wrapped up in the sword fighting, the bow shooting, and the Morgan Freeman-ing, that I missed the important lessons hiding just under the skin. Lessons like how to choose your allies. Why safety nets for the lower classes are important. And why constructing an Ewok village is never a solution.

No matter how long you stare, tiny dancing bears will never appear.

Re-watch this movie as an adult, however, with a fair working knowledge of class systems and medieval politics, and another story emerges. The classic “Steal from the rich and give to the poor.” goes out the window. You start to realize that Prince of Thieves is more of a “Drive a political campaign that legitimizes your status as a pretender by using the suffering poor.” kind of jam.

Don’t believe me? Here are a few reasons why the Sheriff and Robin are both imposters trying to fill a power vacuum by exploiting the peasantry. Continue reading


The Most Successful House In Game of Thrones (Is The Worst)

crasterhd3x03I have a simple question for you Game of Thrones fans; who is winning? I don’t mean on the individual level (we all know that’s Arya) but which house is coming out ahead in the overall scheme of things? The Greyjoys? The Starks? The Targaryen? The Brady’s?

“The Lannisters have more gold and they sit the Iron Throne.” You might argue. “Dany has freaking dragons, and armies of battle-hardened Unsullied and Dothraki!” One could equally posit. “But Jon Snow and Sansa finally hold the north, and between them they have the requisite bloodline to rule.” Diehard Stark fans might debate.

How about this one; House Craster has produced an army of immortal, near-unkillable ice princes, who Continue reading

Retired Obi-Wan Was A Killing Machine (A Fan Theory)

If we assume the prequels are canon (even Jar Jar) then Obi-Wan’s mental journey makes a sharp left turn into psychopathsville when we dwell on what he was up to alone in his hut for 20 years.

BensHut_interiorThat’s not plaster on the walls.

I mean, aside from stalking young Luke and waiting for the empire to get bored and glass Vader’s old haunt, what keeps Obi-Wan sane? Those walls above look pretty bare, and the furniture is spartan at best. So what was that old crank up to? Tetris? Sudoku? Or, waging a single-man war against the planet’s natives, eventually reducing them to a shadow population of their former glory? Does that last one sound like a bit of a stretch? Let me explain. But first, a warning.

spoilers_01SPOILERS! Continue reading

Beyond The Zombie – Why Our 2nd Brain Might Rejoice Undeath

I have a confession to make. I…like the Walking Dead.

I don’t like, like it. I just like fantasizing about it. I like getting buzzed on pruno and imagining a world devoid of modern responsibilities. Where the earth’s landscape has been re-defined by the apocalypse. Where we, the survivors, huddle in the dark together, burning the last of our dwindling resources.

In this scenario it’s up to us to be fruitful and multiply. And we face the constant threat of having our host shot in the brain before we come spilling out of his exposed bowels, like Noah’s ark broken by the flood, and we’d seep out of our rotting home without a pool of standing water in sight… a single tear escaping our collective membrane, spilling silently down our cell wall.

Didn’t I mention? I’m considering this zombie apocalypse from the aspect of the bacteria, not the people. And it makes a lot of sense to do so, if you think about it. Continue reading

The Truth Behind Futurama (Redux)

If you’ve been to this site before then you’re probably familiar with the quasi-Simpsons spinoff Futurama, which was cancelled by Fox for not being Simpsons enough (read: didn’t make Fox enough cash to insulate a battleship).

Yes, just like Family Guy, Millennium, The Tick, Lone Gunman, Terminator, Arrested Development, and Firefly– Futurama joined a fraternity of TV shows axed by 20th Century Fox. Shows that later gained a lucrative cult following. Proving (again) that Fox has no ****ing idea how audiences work, or even how they came to be a network, really.


Needless to say, Futurama found a devoted following after its banishment to Cartoon Network. This new audience was comprised of frat boys, stoners, and college geeks who needed a distraction while their Totino’s pizzas crisped and blackened in the oven. After only a few years of re-runs Futurama was pushed into production once again, starting with direct-to-disc movies, eventually earning its place in syndication with new seasons, which is practically unheard of.

And this is ironic if you ask me.

Given Futurama’s miraculous resurrection by the collective prayers (and dollars) of devoted fans, I have to stop and ask, did the target demographic (Male, 16-28) catch on to the show’s primary message? Continue reading