The Big Flocker – Pranks About D&D Terrain Taken Too Far

flocker_01A few years back one of our contributors, J, introduced me to the world of terrain building. More specifically; how to build tabletop battlegrounds for Dungeons and Dragons from scratch. Like anything else in the world of miniatures, crafting custom set-pieces takes time, materials, and effort.

Given that my spirit-animal is a soggy beanbag chair, my natural instinct is to find the cheapest, laziest shortcut possible. That is how I found my one true love–Flocking. Continue reading

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Dubstep Christmas

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Featuring:

Rudolph the wub-wub-wub-wub wub-wub-wub-wub red-nosed wub-wub-wub…

Deck the Halls with wuuub wuuub wuuub waaaa waaaa wuuub wuuub wuuuub…

Santa Claus is bawww bawww bawww wub-wub-wub-wuuub…

Little Drummer waaab waaab wub-wub-wub-wub waaab waaab…

All I want for wubwubwub wub-wub-wub Christmas wub-wub-wub wub wub…

And Many More!

Caffeine Buddy

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Do you ever feel yourself slipping into the deep dark void of unconsciousness, and wish you could claw your way back to the light? Ever feel you could get more done if you quit sleeping altogether? Introducing the new Caffeine Buddy! Your only friend in a world full of nagging, exhausting demands. With the Caffeine Buddy, you have the freedom to choose when you sleep, if ever!

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Donald Trump Dies: Hair Seeks Symbiot

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The world is in mourning today as Donald J. Trump passes, leaving a grieving widow and five loving children behind. At an estimated net worth of 3.2 Billion, citizens are left wondering what the hell Trump actually did for a living, aside from starring on his own reality TV show and being really, really rich.

Trump’s Hair, however, has gone public with the declaration that it will be seeking a new host-body. As it is considered a parasite, the red-blonde mop of wavy mind-strands will not be awarded any of Trump’s estate. However, the parasite claims it that it has retained all of the intellectual capacity of the multi-billionare, and could be a significant boon to anyone who bonds with it.

trillTrump’s hair of course was the inspiration for the race known as the “Trill” on the science-fiction show Star Trek. Writers of The Next Generation and Deep Space Nine chose to portray the memory-storing aliens as brain-bug crabs, stating that; “Crabs that curl around someone’s spinal column are more believable.” And; “Trump’s hair is too damn creepy. Our [viewers] expect strange, but not that strange…”

Man Gets Wingdings Tattoo – Feels Instant Regret

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It all started in a tattoo parlor in Portland Oregon, a city known for branding its citizens at an alarming rate. It was supposed to be ‘just another tattoo’, one of many hundreds inked onto pallid, fleshy skin that day, in what could be one of the most liberal bohemian neighborhoods. Flaming skulls, Chinese letters that are incomprehensible to the owner, and lotuses and orchids blot over pink-white pigment in every corner of this inked oasis.

Continue reading

Under the Hood: An Autobot Biography

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In a new tell-all Hollywood biography, decorated veteran of the autobot-decepticon wars, Optimus Prime, has released some stunning details about his fellow autobots. Inspired by recent biographies of Heidi Fleiss and Mark Mcgwire, Optimus Prime (Also known as Prime-O by his crew) made several controversial statements.

“…He was high as a kite most the time.” Prime wrote, Referring to fellow autobot Bumblebee. “Voice damage? No. He just couldn’t trust his real voice without sounding like he’d done a line of Spark. We autobots don’t get red eyes or dry noses. It’s in the voice.” Continue reading

Department Of Transportation To Use New Warning Signs: Blood Splatters

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Crossing signs go unheeded. Pedestrian and school zones are violated frequently by speeding vehicles. White crosses bearing the names of deceased loved ones with offerings of flowers and teddy bears line busy highways. Yet motor vehicle crashes are still the leading cause of injury-related deaths in the US, accounting for nearly 34,000 fatalities back in 2010. 10% of these were pedestrian.

The inadequacy of neon warning signs has led to a heated debate among traffic experts. After all, who could spot a glowing orange diamond the size of a Walmart shopper tucked away on a busy street corner, warning pedestrians of a possibly brutal demise should they try to “frogger” their way across the lanes? Or a bright white square with a red circle of death? These “warnings”, if they are noticed at all, barely register as a challenge to the average pedestrian. Continue reading