Skyrim Body Saw

Hello reader. I apologize for those of you who check back every week, only to find that I haven’t put up any new fan theories or strange stories over the past few weeks. I’ve been working hard on some new content and ideas for a new website format devoted to plot deconstruction in movies and games.

Oh, and this… I’ve also been wasting a lot of time on this…

Check back for updates on the new website. We’ll announce it here when we launch.

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Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves – Robin & The Sheriff Were Both Imposters (Fan Theory)

Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves came out during a very influential time in my life. I was young enough for the neighbors to laugh at my yarn-and-sapling bow making skills, yet old enough to get in trouble for threatening to cut out their hearts with a spoon.

Less intimidating when it’s a 7-year-old.

So it’s no surprise that I was a bit too immature to grasp the deeper story behind a movie like this. As a child I was so wrapped up in the sword fighting, the bow shooting, and the Morgan Freeman-ing, that I missed the important lessons hiding just under the skin. Lessons like how to choose your allies. Why safety nets for the lower classes are important. And why constructing an Ewok village is never a solution.

No matter how long you stare, tiny dancing bears will never appear.

Re-watch this movie as an adult, however, with a fair working knowledge of class systems and medieval politics, and another story emerges. The classic “Steal from the rich and give to the poor.” goes out the window. You start to realize that Prince of Thieves is more of a “Drive a political campaign that legitimizes your status as a pretender by using the suffering poor.” kind of jam.

Don’t believe me? Here are a few reasons why the Sheriff and Robin are both imposters trying to fill a power vacuum by exploiting the peasantry. Continue reading

DIY RC Derby (With Nails & Blades)

I live in a house of dicks.

Each of my roommates has been in the past, or is currently, in the private security industry. According to Google the word Dick in this instance is of Gypsy or Romany origin, Dik, meant ‘to watch’. This later became slang for detectives and watchmen of the late 1800’s (Dicks) which carried into modern pop culture and noire.

Dicks. All of us. Dicks.

Which might explain why when I pitched the very childish, very dangerous notion of trying to play “RC Mario Kart” in our kitchen, everyone agreed it was the wise, sensible choice. Continue reading

5 Excuses To Fill Your Dungeon With Monsters

Google Images / Skyrim

Why are there so many monsters in your dungeon?

I realize there are certain expectations in tabletop games. I understand that a dungeon in Dungeons and Dragons is bound to be harboring horrible beasties–otherwise why play the game? I get that every RPG, from Pathfinder to Savage Worlds, and even some from the Sci-Fi end of the pool, must feature subterranean labyrinths from time to time. But why the hell are they always brimming with monsters?

Do monsters in the RPG world eat rocks? Undead warriors guarding crypts, I understand. But what business does a Hellhound have roaming the blank, featureless corridors of an isolated cave? Why is a goblin tribe living so far underground, away from a ready food source, on a glacial mountain with nothing growing on the surface? Or, an even worse offender, inside an active volcano? What are the giant spiders eating? And what does the Minotaur do for fun between murders? Does he just stare wistfully at the bloodstains in his corner of the cave, year after year, reminiscing about the adventurers he’s slain?

Why are there so many monsters in your dungeon? This is such a tiny, insignificant question in the grand scheme of the game. Yet 90% of dungeons I encounter have a bafflingly diverse array of subterranean creatures who seem to have no biological imperative to eat, reproduce, or nest. It’s as if their entire existence is centered around their desire to kill player-characters. Continue reading