Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom Is Secretly A Children’s Book

I want to try something with you. A sort of meditation, if you’re willing to indulge me. I want you to breath deep. Loosen your shoulders. Calm your mind. Exhale. And pretend, for just a moment, that you’ve never heard of Jurassic Park.

Have you done it? Is your head clear? Has the franchise as a whole been erased from your brain? Ok, good.

We’re calm, cool, and collected, and we’re pretending Jurassic Park/World doesn’t exist in our reality. Now, I’m going to try to sell you an action film, and you have to pretend it’s for adults and their families. NOT exclusively written for elementary school children.

That’s right. Be calm. Like Dr. Grant before the talking dinosaur. Not after.

The movie I’m trying to sell you is going to start with two very attractive adults of child-bearing age who argue about why they split up. The answer: they don’t know, and neither do we. Owen (Chris Pratt) says Claire (Bryce Dallas Howard) told him to leave, so he left. Claire claims she was mad because he wouldn’t let her drive. And for whatever reason they just sort of stayed separated, like driving off without having a fight or talking is a real thing adult people do. So Claire went off to the big city to become a non-profit dinosaur advocate (a real job that pays big-people money in this movie universe) while Owen built cabin in a field with a hammer.

This is an adult movie.

So Owen is asked by Claire to come help her rescue the dinosaurs from a volcanic island. Which is about to explode. But they can predict exactly when the dangerous lava will come spilling out, so Owen agrees. They get an expedition together with the help of a kindly old British grandfather who lives in a mansion/dinosaur museum. Later, we discover that the kindly British man’s granddaughter is actually the clone of his deceased daughter, and the nanny who takes care of her has known the entire time.

This is an adult movie.

So Claire, with the kindly grand-dad’s money, plans her field-trip to fireball island.

Google Images / Milton Bradley

Owen, knowing that his pet velociraptor Blue is still on the island, comes along for the expedition. And Claire gets to go because she finally bought some boots, and letting a dinosaur rights lobbyist without weapons or training venture to an exploding island full of carnivores is a normal decision, made by rational adults. Or by two children hiding in a trench coat.

Then Mom and Dad *ahem* sorry, Owen and Claire, are joined by a group of elite para-military hunters led by a man who pulls teeth out of lizards.

Once on the island Owen, Claire, and her other friends from work; I.T. Man and Public Relations Woman, get busy hacking the old park systems. Mostly so they have a reason to be trapped in a concrete box that will fill with lava later. Meanwhile, the scary hunters get busy with immediately betraying Owen. First they shoot his pet dinosaur with real bullets, and then they shoot Owen with sleepy-time fake bullets, that way he doesn’t get an owchie… Then they leave him to be consumed by burning liquid death. While he’s paralyzed and awake. So he can feel it as his body is slowly scorched. Which is much more humane than a bullet.

Meanwhile back at the mansion, the real hero of the story, Orphan Girl, is doing some sleuthing of her own. She discovers that the man working for her grand-papa is really an evil con artist, and he’s planning to sell the dinosaurs to foreign-looking rich people during a shockingly conspicuous auction wherein everyone parks on the front lawn. Instead of trafficking their illegal shit online through proxies like people have been doing for the past decade. Oh, Orphan Girl also finds out that the conman is growing monsters in the hidden laboratory under their mansion/museum.

This is an adult movie.

Google Images / Nickelodeon

Back at the island Mom and Dad sneak onto the hunters’ ship before it can sail away. Then half of their group gets captured. Then two of them get free again. Then they get captured in a cage with the T-Rex. Then they go free again. Then they get stuck in a truck. Then they go free again. Then they’re discovered in the truck and captured. Sort of.

Anyway, Mom’s friend from work, Public Relations Woman, knows how to give blood infusions to dinosaurs, so they give Dad’s petĀ velociraptor some T-Rex blood, and he gets all better. Then Mom and Dad arrive at the mansion, break up the auction by releasing the dinosaurs on the entire human race, and adopt Orphan Girl so they can all go live in the cabin that Dad built with a hammer and no help whatsoever. And I’m sure Mom and Dad will take great care of us, up until one of them drives away for no reason and forgets where they live.

This is an adult movie.

Google Images

Honestly, and I say this without any real malice or personal investment; this movie is pants-on-head, aggressively dumbed down. If you don’t believe me go watch it. I didn’t even have to write any real jokes for this story breakdown. Those aren’t punchlines you scrolled past, those are legit plot points this movie hits on. While trying to explain Fallen Kingdom I found myself comparing it to cheap Choose-Your-Own-Adventure novels from the early 90’s. There are just too many plot points that overlap into this film; finding a secret lab in the mansion, having the protagonist get a pet dinosaur, a clandestine auction being held by a greedy con-man, a plucky young orphan getting adopted… It’s almost as if the screenwriters weren’t using Michael Crichton’s 1990 novel for source material, and instead were basing it on something written for children that came directly after Crichton’s book.

Oh, shi–

Google Images

Google Images

 

Google Images

Google Images

Okay I’ll admit it. This last one is just wishful thinking.

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