This past year I was recruited to write web content for a member of my local city council. One of the tasks handed to me was to research chicken ownership, since our city recently passed an ordinance allowing chickens to inhabit urban yards. At first blush I thought this would be a milk-run as far as research goes, but shit gets weird when you scratch the surface on chickens.
Firstly, chickens are tiny hate-machines. I know, I know… local farmers will dismiss this claim, saying their birds nothing but angelic, loving, cuddly little velociraptors. But the truth is that chickens can’t distinguish between human and chicken. To a chicken you’re just a bigger, fleshier pink chicken, who happens to dispense food on occasion. In the chicken pecking order you are the head chicken, which makes you less likely to be on the receiving end of their rage.
Chickens peck to establish dominance. They peck to vent their frustration. They peck to eat. They peck out of boredom. And if they’re stressed or hungry enough, they will peck each other to death, and then eat the bloody chicken nuggets left behind. Yes, chickens will turn to cannibalism. Because they know how delicious chicken tastes, too.
This has led to many strange and delightful innovations in chicken ownership. Such as giving chickens a punching bag…
One popular fix is to give chickens a head of cabbage or other vegetable to take out their aggression on. For full effect play the above video on mute alongside the Rocky training music.
Another anti-bullying tool in the chicken arsenal is chicken goggles.
Let me say that again. Chicken. Motherfucking. Goggles.
Apparently if you block one of their eyes or put a red screen in front of their faces, chickens get too confused to peck at each other. They just sort of…quit. This would be like a soldier taking an eye exam, except when asked to place a hand over their left eye and read from the chart they suddenly turn conscientious objector. Just look at this Loony-Toons nonsense…
The goggles! They do…quite a lot, actually.
There are dozens of models of goggle that range from opaque plastic to the stylish Scott Summers shades above. They all attach pretty much the same way, too. A clip runs between the shades and pierces the nasal of the chicken”s beak. Imagine having that sort of dedication to style–that you physically staple shades to your nose-bone.
If you’re on Facebook oversize sunglasses and duckface are no biggie, so I guess you don’t have to imagine too hard…