Snowpiercer Protein Bars (A How-To Guide!)

-- Google Images

— Google Images

For anyone who hasn’t seen the movie Snowpiercer, you can check my review of it here. In brief, here’s the sum of its parts:

“The message of this movie seems to be that Social Darwinism goes out the window when the realities of survival sets in. Who should make decisions for the public when the environment goes all to hell? The wealthiest 2%? Those who can afford lobbyists? The US’s financial elite? Not according to this movie. Snowpiercer seems to think anyone not living in squalid poverty is naively going through the motions of their upper-class life, oblivious to the plight of the lower echelon. Or they’re part of the top 2%, enjoying a constant drug-fueled ultra-decadent rave.”  — From

Plus, Captain America eats babies in Snowpiercer. But that’s beside the point.

The real issue here is, how do I get my hands on some of those delicious-looking gelatinous protein bars we’ve all seen in the movie? You know, the ones that made from reconstituted ground-up cockroaches.

Well, I’m glad you asked.


First you’ll need a small loaf-pan approximately 8 inches wide by a foot. A few plastic cockroaches from the dollar store (for visual aid and decorative plating) a pack of standard food coloring, one small jar of black food coloring, and a pack of lemon desert gelatin. Off-brands, like the Great Value box seen above, are acceptable.

Mix the dry jello powder with the recommended 1 cup of boiling water. Then, blend a half measure (1/2 tablespoon) of black food coloring, so the liquid turns dark purple, but not totally black. Next, add 5 drops of red food coloring and 5 drops yellow food coloring. You should end up with a sickly cockroach-brown color.

Next, and this is the most important part, add half the recommended cold water to the Jello mix (1/2 cup, instead of 1 cup). This will give it a firmer consistency than normal Jello. Pour the mix into a lubricated loaf pan, and let it sit until it fully cools.


For the last part, upend the loaf pan onto a flat baking sheet. This must be done quickly, so the gelatin doesn’t fold over. You want a flat cake, which you’ll cut into 3 or 4 bars with a pie cutter. Once you’ve got your bar-shaped rectangles, plate them on white plate (best to see the gross brown color) and add cockroaches. Plastic, or real if you’re feeling adventurous.


Be sure to leave it on the top shelf where your family or roommates can spot them. Wait for the full shock to set in, then insist one of those disgusting, giggling monoliths is for them. Make them eat it, I guess, is what I’m saying.


Enjoy! You sociopathic wacko…


One thought on “Snowpiercer Protein Bars (A How-To Guide!)

  1. Pingback: The Band-Aid Prank | Masks of Monsters

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