Times Aren’t a-Changin’

During a recent excursion to the downtown Portland Oregon Police Museum, I found a list of notable arrests from January 1869 to December 1871.


For anyone who can’t read the above image, here’s a rundown, with commentary;

Notable Charges

Drunken Loafer   (Piss off, I was time-traveling.)

Drunken Vagrant Thief  (Achievment Unlocked!)

Lying Drunk on Street   (Street = 1800’s mattress.)

Dead Drunk on a Street    (I wish this was the same person as the above three. It isn’t.)

Murder on Corner (Alder and Second)   (The only murder on this list. Guess it’s pretty hard to kill someone if you’re four sheets to the wind and seeing double all the f***ing time.)

Drunk and Lying Against a Fence   (The least offensive crime on this list, and today it would be considered a wake-up call worthy of intervention.)

Drunk and Lying Asleep on the Floor of Saloon   (This guy beat the above entry by 10 points.)

Loud and Boisterous Noise   (Rumbling the upstairs apartment with Lil’ Wayne on the bass.)

Indecent Exposure, Bathing in a Horse Trough   (These two are not mutually exclusive.)

Poisoning   (Of self, with alcohol, we assume.)

Defacing a Building Not Her Own   (Note: it says Her own. Meaning this was the 1870’s version of keying that cheating bastard’s car.)

Carrying a Weapon in a Concealed Manner   (…By hiding a derringer behind his bowie knife.)

Drunk Stealing a Goose   (My favorite entry by far. Someone please illustrate this.)

Seduction   (How dare she…)

Conducting Himself in a Disorderly Manner; Throwing Water   (FYI: ‘Throwing Water’ is Olde Tyme speak for pissing on something. Probably a cop.)

Stealing Hams   (I want to see this.)

Drunk, Dead Drunk   (This entry really just sums up all of the 1800’s.)


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