4 Gimmick Tools for People You Hate

swiss_amazon

— Amazon.com

Every other Christmas I get an oddball, gimmicky, as seen on TV piece of equipment, shat out of the lower intestines of Billy Mays from the afterlife factory he now lords over in hardware hell. Mostly these devices are go-to gifts for people too lazy to ask what you do in your work shed. Example: “Are you carving wood dongs in your shop, or metal?”

So to prove they’ve been paying attention to your hobbies, but are unwilling to drop more than 10 bucks on something that could potentially kill you if things really got out of hand, you’re gifted a pile of useless curiosities that could have been used to purchase one goddamn useful screwdriver. Tools like…

1) The Heatless Solder

Soldering_01What it’s supposed to do:

Use this cordless soldering tool for safer and quicker soldering virtually anywhere. It uses patented ColdHeat technology. The tip heats up instantly, saving you valuable time. And, as soon as you’re finished applying the solder, the tip almost immediately cools off and reduces the risk of burns.”  — Radioshack.com

What it does:

It uses an LED to light up your mangled wires and broken dreams like a jack-o-lantern of failure. And on rare occasion, during the great Hundred Year Cosmoshift, if you’re standing under the bloodmoon while rehearsing the proper chant in Latin, you may be lucky enough to see the fucking thing spark on the wires.

ColdHeat solder is a gimmick’s gimmick. At best it can melt the thinnest of solder onto the smallest of wires, as if it was manufactured for the robotic overlords of our near future and their perfectly precise mechanical dexterity. But with my pathetic human bone-and-meat gloves, all I could do was illuminate my labyrinth of copper and shame, while the ColdHeat soldering gun laughed at me from its cold steel soul.

2) The Hollow-Handle and Telescoping Hammers

-- Amazon.com

— Amazon.com

What it’s supposed to do:

…features a hammer and 4 screwdrivers that are conveniently stored in the handle.”  — Amazon.com

What it does:

If you’re trapped in an apartment-turned-prison, Oldboy style, and have never used tools before, this hammer will be great for slowly chipping your way through the brick mortar of your urban cell.

Unfortunately to get a hammer-screwdriver combo that works properly you have to spring for one of the $40 or $50 models. Otherwise the cheap Philips heads will strip after the first use, turning your new tool into a mankilling hammer with 4 interchangeable shivs. After the heads are stripped, enjoy a hammer that is too light to drive thumbtacks into Silly Puddy, and four sharpened awls capable of puncturing human leather.

3) The Hollow Survival Knife

Survival_01What it’s supposed to do:

I actually couldn’t find a product statement for the survival knife on Amazon, so here’s a quote from Rambo.Wikia:

The idea of the character of John Rambo carrying a survival knife was not in David Morrell’s original 1981 novel. It was actually first suggested by knife enthusiast Sylvester Stallone because it would not only have something to go along with the character, but also because it would illustrate his creative guerrila training.

What it does:

Let’s first assume you’re not this “Knife Enthusiast” Stallone the wikia speaks of.

The only other excuse for buying a hollow survival knife is that you’re leading a forest expeditions into the Rocky Mountains with a diverse class of college misfits, all of whom must learn a lesson of acceptance, while you struggle with a crippling vice that will later make you relateable as a character (a childless father with a drinking habit, let’s say) and a harrowing situation that evolves into a hunt-or-be-hunted game of blood… otherwise you have no reason for owning this knife.

You’ll cut yourself. A lot. There will be blood everywhere. And every tool that comes out of that handle can be purchased with a real wilderness survival kit. Except they’ll actually work, and you get more than 3 tries at fire, and 2 potential fish.

4) The Free Flexor

--Google Images

–Google Images

What it’s supposed to do:

Free Flexor is a Revolutionary fitness product that introduces the Patent Pending (Circular Strength Technology) to athletes and beyond. Work Every Angle of the Muscle!” — Free Flexor TM Official Youtube

What it does:

Teaches you to cup the balls while you work the shaft. Seriously.

Following the profoundly moronic success of the Shakeweight, Free Flexor tried to one-up the workout burn of the phallic shaft-stroking dumbbell-ish tool. Well, it’s one-upped something… Just watch the commercial.

If you ever get the opportunity to wield a Free Flexor without purchasing it first, and you’re not laughed at by ever man, woman, and child, gay or straight, for miles around, I’ll buy you a drink.

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