4 Things That Didn’t Need To Be Dubstep’d

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For any song, soundbite, or sample, there is someone willing to turn that audio blurb into a catchy dubstep beat or electronica rave. Anything and everything can be thrown into the great audioblender, which I imagine looks something like the bottomless pit Leonidas spends his free time booting dudes into.

But I’m from an older generation– a generation that knew mustaches were for meth’d up bikers and Village People, instead of smooth-cheeked hipsters. A generation that truly didn’t give a F#@C, and didn’t just communicate their apathy through Facebook memes, but worked hard at not giving a F#@C by staying indoors, studying out of textbooks about made-up facts (See: Dungeons and Dragons) and accepting that hygiene and cleanliness were gentle suggestions at best, and only mattered after your bedbug infestation had mated with the rampant cockroach population, spawning spiny bedroaches.

SST_bug

I might be projecting at this point…

In a recent attempt to prove that I’m hip enough to boogie down with the rascals dropping E at the rave, I began expanding my musical horizons, looking for electronica, house, and dubstep more suited to my eclectic, albeit outdated taste. And you know what I found? There are some songs that just didn’t need to be dubbed. Or stepped. Or stepped and dubbed together. Songs like…

1) Hall of the Mountain King

Some of you may recognize Hall of the Mountain King as that little ditty composed by Edvard Grieg, back in 1867. Seeing how it was all the rage in the Victorian era, why wouldn’t it benefit from being Dubstep’d into the modern age?

Well, for one, the beat has been slowed down and wubb’d hard enough that it sounds like a series of farts emanating from a gassy, meandering hill giant. Go ahead and give it a listen.

The funny part is this isn’t even an isolated incident. There are dozens, possibly hundreds of dubstep versions of this song, and not all of them are bad. My guess is without copyright laws covering a piece of music old enough to be considered new when the first phonautograms were recorded, Hall of the Moutain King is about as free as free game gets. Which might explain…

2) Christmas Dubstep

When I say there are thousands of dubstep’d Christmas songs, I mean thousands. And some of them are pretty damn popular on Youtube, with as many as half a million views for the best cuts. And by best I mean…It’s goddamn Christmas music. Anyone working retail over the holidays can tell you how songs like Little Drummer Boy become marching beats straight to the razor aisle after the 8th hour of continuous loop. But I digress.

Let’s be clear here. These aren’t brutal dubstep drops that you might enjoy around Christmas time when you’re bombing down the slopes with a waxed board strapped to your feet. These are Christmas songs. Dubstep’d. So drawing from my earlier example, Here’s Little Drummer Boy.

3) On-Hold / Waiting Room Music

Quick, think of the most mindless, forgettable music on earth! Did you say Justin Bieber? If you didn’t, the strike team will be there shortly.

But a close second would be waiting room music and on-hold sound effects. But someone, somewhere, probably while waiting to be connected to the pneumatic sextoy support line, figured the grating “please hold…” voice would make for amazing sound effects.

A quick youtube search turns up all kinds of waiting room music, most of which is thankfully normal dubstep dropped into multiplayer chat channels while the teams are being selected. But there are the rare, strange nuggets of honest-to-goodness elevator tunes put through a mixer, or automated phone services spliced into phat beats.

4) Chopin

Chopin should only be played under the following three circumstances. You’re too drunk to play anything less morose on the piano (Doc Holiday, Tombstone) You’re trying to sooth your audience to prevent a riot after you butcher the shit out of your own Sci-Fi lore (Ridley Scott, Prometheus) Or you’ve gone a-sauntering down the wooden sidewalks outside the saloon, in which case I commend you, pardner.

What Chopin should never be used for: Dubstep. Dub-f’ing-Step.

If you listen close enough, especially after the 2:15 mark, you can hear serial killers across the world suddenly feeling giddy for no discernible reason.

And if you want to see how Youtube has been used as a force of goodness, you can check out this entry.

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