Why Japan Is Ahead Of Us — In The Apocalypse


In games and movies it’s easy to point toward a single source as the precursor to the apocalypse. In Fallout it was nukes. In Maximum Overdrive it was a comet. In The Walking Dead it was zombies. In Night of the Comet it was also zombies, strangely. And in X-Men 3 it was shitty writing.

So in the interest of having future bragging rights in the form of “I called it!”, here I will illustrate three reasons why Japan might be the next backdrop in the Escape From New York series, even if Snake is looking less reptile and more bear these days.


Call me Kodiak…

1) Giant jellyfish are invading.

Movies like Godzilla and Pacific Rim have taught us that if a creature is going to emerge from the sea to knock us off the throne as apex predator of the planet, it’s going to breathe fire, look like a cold-blooded Lovecraftian horror, and it will be big enough to wipe its ass with our architectural marvels.

Which is why the irony of having swarms of delicate, spineless, brainless, lethargic water-sacks be the death knell of Japan’s fishing industry is lost on no-one.


He picked net over katana. The fool.

And because of over-fishing, warmer temperatures, and shitty water (human and animal waste) the problem is spreading across the globe. To date the jellyfish blooms have decimated ocean life wherever they drift, capsized a trawler, slaughtered 100,000 fish in North Ireland’s only salmon farm, and have taken out three different nuclear plants.

One bright spot on this invasion is that jellyfish are edible and full of protein, if you’re lucky enough to catch one of the 12 edible species of jellyfish, and not the 73 other species, some of which can sting you with deadly neurotoxins. The downside to these floating feasts is that they taste like jellyfish.


Pictured is an Australian sign. In Japan it would indicate a much different danger.

2) They’re running out of people.

As mentioned in prior articles, Japan will soon face a population crises, thanks to its youngsters not participating in sexy-time. In less than 50 years the government estimates a population loss of 41 million, and half of the remaining 90 or so million Japanese will be over the hill and retired.


This population dive isn’t likely to recover unless steps are taken to increase social awareness of this “celibacy syndrome”, or restrictions on immigration are lowered. Without an injection of foreigners or a modern baby-boom to stabilize their numbers, Japan isn’t likely to survive the upcoming war when every man, woman, and child capable of wielding a sword is marched into the sea wearing samurai-armor diving suits to combat the gelatinous stinging hoards.

3) Fukushima makes Chernobyl look like a misadventure.

It’s been three years since the world felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of Japanese voices cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced by the government, who assured the world that the disaster was contained. Well the numbers are out now, and a summery can be found on Wikipedia, a fact-site we’re told is less than 90% lies and fabrications.


For those of you who didn’t click the link, here are a few bullet points. AKA, reasons why Japan will soon be overrun by radioactive mutations that resemble Power Ranger villains more than local flora and fauna.

  • Chernobyl and Fukushima were only commissioned 6 years apart. Fukushima, however, was kept active for 40 years, whereas Chernobyl turned into a glowing hellfire at age 9.
  • Chernobyl released 5,200 becquerel units (radioactivity measured by decaying nuclei). Fukushima only produced 900 pBq…in March 2011 alone… straight into the atmosphere. It has continued to do so up until today with no signs of stopping, tainting the Pacific with the mainland’s Geiger-ticking groundwater .
  • All in all the irradiated area and death toll are lower in Fukushima than what occurred in Chernobyl, but the effects of continued water taint and the government’s non-transparency has made Fukushima an ongoing issue.

If you can call this an “issue”


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